Who's gonna catch me when i fall??

I was trying really hard not to post this emo shit but i just cant help it. I really really have to get this off my chest. I am having those kind of time. Not that time of the month (the red light) but the 'feeling lonely' time.
After i have finished my studies and doing nothing besides than eat, sleep till noon, hanging out and catching movies. It really made me think how pathetic i am and how my life seem so meaningless right now. I have no job, not even studying and cant make up my own damn mind. I just felt like a complete loser, i mean a REAL LOSER!!

Even though i still have my friends and still see them frequently I still feel 'alone'. Let me describe this feeling for you guys, when u hang out with ur friends or even surrounded by a lot of people have u guys ever felt so lonely like u r alone in that time and place and you cant even hear anyone talking like they seem so far away from you. I do, most of the time actually. It feels like im trapped inside my own damn world and no one is ever gonna give a damn, really.

My family has this MYOB motto from the beginning. Oh, MYOB means Mind Your Own Business. My parents are only home at night and i dont really spend that much quality time with my family. I am closest with my little brother and i just hope that i am a good sister to him only coz my family is messed up behind closed door. Everybody just dont mind and do their own business even though we live in the same roof. Things have gotten pretty quiet at home recently i mean it doesnt even feel like home unless im in my room though. If I am somewhere else, it feels like i am in an empty house. To be honest, i dont even know the people who lives inside this house. Maybe that is why when there is a chance for me to spend time with them i would pass coz i don't know how to do that and dont even know what to talk to them about. I know that my parents work coz they are supporting me and believe me i have had the pleasure of hearing that lecture a million times. But when i make an effort to redeem myself to them they just dont see it i guess. Some people say that family especially parents only sees our mistakes and wont care much about our success or achievement. Maybe this is a part for me to be stronger to face the world in the future. But i am blessed and thankful to Allah that i have them in my life in whatever way they are. I do love them...

Friends? I have my own theory own friends, dont ever get too attached to them or else something is bound to go wrong sooner or later. I mean its not wrong in doing just that but i have my own experience and if i am too attached to them they feel like i am their property (belong to them ONLY). Some people are like that and trust me i have experience it and it does not happened once. I mean i have my own damn life even though it is not that great right now but i still want some me time in my days and i dont mean only sleeping k? I think i am a good friend, am i?? Oh well, i try my best to be for each of them and be a good friend when it comes to that point. I have this friend who has troubles in his love life and he seems so lost and dont know what to do about his situation and i feel like crying when i saw him that way, it seems like his problem became mine. How i wish i could protect him from getting his heart broken but i cant and i do hope he will get out of this soon enough and survive it well. I BELIEVE in him. In another friend issue, it seems like i am not such a good friend. FYI, I am not the planner type, i only go with the flow. If it happens, then it does and if it doesnt, maybe another day. In the words of James Bond, tomorrow never dies. If you dont like the way of having me as a friend then why are you still being my friend I am sure you can find a new friend right? They are a lot of interesting people out there, seriously. Anyway, whatever kind of friends do u guys have im sure u love them rite? Even though, i feel like they are drifting away right now even though this kind of time has come i still love them no matter what. I had a pleasure of having a friend for almost 8 years now, u know who u r my dear. Haha. And not forgetting my guys which i have known for almost 5 years. I also have gain a lot of friends for these past 2 years and it is a lot of fun meeting new people and discover how crazy they are. There are also friends that i have lost through out my entire life. However, no matter what, these people and the memories i have shared with them i will always keep them near my heart and cherish them. To those who had a chance to be my friend at a time in your life, i had the pleasure of knowing you. Truly i am grateful...

After i have typed this in, its not that i hate my life, I just wanna live IT. I dont want to survive it, but LIVE MY LIFE. Haha. Does that makes sense? I have experience a lot through out my 20 years of life and i realize that i am truly blessed with what i have experience. I am thankful to Allah to give me a life.

Another element in my life that is not complete yet. The L word.... L O V E ! !  L'Amour L'amour... ( it also starts with L in another language. haha)
Sigh. I mean i do not look or hunt down for men (not even now, not ever)... I think i have never hunt down for men before, i mean i do look at guys and adore them from FAR only. The previous relationship in my life just happen and it totally wasnt planned. I mean how do you plan love rite? My confession? I might say that i never had a relationship with a guy which i am TRULY in love with him. I mean TRULY and DEEPLY. Sigh. Furthermore, I dont wanna get married, most of my friends know that but when we grow old and as my friends' lives move on who am I going to talk to? I mean it is nice to have the feeling that you have someone to talk to at the end of the day and xkan la u want to bother ur friends when they are preparing their kids for school, taking care of their babies and cater to their husband "needs". Haha. Get what i mean? LOL. Although, I think i will be happy without a man as long as i have my career. OMG. Im gonna be one of those women who is married to their career like Meryl Streep in Devil wears Prada. Hey that doesnt sound so bad though, it is almost awesome. Haha. Oh well, if i do find love i will be truly grateful but if i do not i will always have the one thing to be grateful for, LIFE and I can always love ALLAH.

WOW!! I am impressed that i am able to post this long man. Haha. This post is important coz i had an epiphany halfway typing it. LMAO. Anyways, i hope you guys had the pleasure of reading this post even if it is a bit emo-ish but i just had to let it out somewhere.

Type to u later.
XoxO